When Life Hurts

I haven’t posted to this blog in well over a year… but that isn’t for lack of writing. I wrote a lot last year: the initial announcement of Luke’s accident, updates and new concerns from his hospital room at Lehigh Valley, and further updates regarding his return home and outpatient care. None of them were posted here, and all of that time and investment left my “writing quota” satisfied for a long time.

Today marks a very important moment in our family history: at 4:02pm today, we will have reached exactly 1 year since Luke’s accident in our home that changed our world.

(If anyone is ever reading this and doesn’t know about the event I’m referring to, you can read about it here. You will need to scroll through the medical journal to find the first entry, dated June 3rd, 2019)

I don’t want to rehash exactly what happened that day, but I want to share a few honest and bare thoughts with you all. The bottom line and truth is that Luke could (or depending on who you talk to about the exact sciences of an accident like his, should) have died a year ago today, but God didn’t let that happen. It looks like it should be a cut and dry day of happiness and celebration for us, sitting together in our home, healthy and alive.

Facing this day though, for me, has brought waves of anxiety. I want to be happy, I want to celebrate, but in truth I struggle to think about it. The fear of any other accident (which we did experience happening shortly before Christmas, on a much lesser scale, with our oldest daughter), is still very real. While the memories and nightmares may have lessened, they are by no means gone. An anniversary like this brings them back a bit more vividly. I regret time lost with our children, as we were apart from them for that time. I grieve for opportunities Luke had to let go of, and let move on without him, due to his injuries. I still worry about the long-term consequences that this type of trauma could have on him.

I hope that what I am about to share can be of benefit to you all, especially people who are dealing with their own life changing accidents, losses, and tragedies during the very strange times we are living in.

At first glance, this is the worst possible thing that could happen to you, your loved one, and your household.

“There couldn’t possibly be a good reason for it, God surely has abandoned you, or marked you for punishment, or doesn’t exist, or else something so horrible would never have happened.”

That is a lie. God has not abandoned you because something tragic has entered your life. You will think it, Satan will try to use it to get a foothold, but don’t let it gain traction, just don’t.

Mourn Let yourself feel that deep hurt, don’t numb it, don’t push it down, and find someone that you don’t need to hide it from.
Closing ranks from the people around you because you don’t know what to talk to them about, or because you are afraid of what they may say (they are likely just as gob-smacked and unsure of what to say as you are) is not the right course of action. There will be different stages for you, your family members, and even children. Sometimes you will need to be alone, and in the quiet, but there will be times where you need the people around you who love you. You will be left surprised at how many people find that you, your loved one, or your family matter a very great deal to them (even when your acquaintance or locations are distant).

Accept Help When Luke was admitted to the hospital, our family came together immediately to begin working on solutions. The most immediate need being the care of our children as we all knew Luke needed me with him at that hospital. Our parents, and Luke’s siblings, were incredible and instrumental in ensuring that happened… they made sure I was able to have somewhere to stay (as Lehigh is nearly two hours from our home), and took care of our two little girls (2 years and about 8 months old at the time) for the duration of his stay there. I still thank God on a daily basis that they were kept in such wonderful hands, and I didn’t worry for even a moment that they weren’t getting the best care despite not having us with them.
Our church family stepped up, and cared for us in ways that I can’t even put into words. One of the most notable ways however, was that I could almost feel the moment when the word ‘got out’ last year, because despite the fear and unknown, I also felt a sense of peace washing over me. I knew that we were being prayed for.

Trust in God’s Provision and Plan When you are hurting, it can be tempting to feel as if you do not take every single thing into your own hands, nothing will get done. You think, “If I had taken all control from the get-go, this situation would never have happened. I can’t trust God, or others, to handle any of this, I have to do it myself.” Dear one, you will hurt yourself more by bogging yourself down during a traumatic situation. Trust in God and in giving him that trust, you are allowing Him room to work in His way. You will see him use the people around you to meet needs you have been stressing over, or even some needs that hadn’t been on your radar, and you will be cared for.
Don’t play the blame game either! Traumatic situations can appear out of nowhere, during what seems to be the most mundane of situations. You don’t always have warning or awareness that something life-changing is about to happen. God knows though. God will always do what is best for us. In the moments of slugging through your world falling apart, we can’t necessarily see the good that God will make out of our broken pieces. While Luke and I have been able to see in our lives since his accident the way He has remade the broken pieces into something even more beautiful, I know not everyone will get to see their experience from this perspective. I am sorry, so sorry, when the opportunity for that doesn’t come this side of heaven, which brings me to the next survival lesson I have.

But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
Lamentations 3:21-24

Don’t Wait for Tragedy to Reach out and Cling to God Now, I am not saying that I have all the answers to building a relationship with Christ, or that I was in a magnificent place spiritually when Luke’s accident occurred (in fact, I would place us firmly in the complete opposite category. I was especially struggling in a lot of ways this time last year!), but the time and investment you put into learning about God, studying His word, and committing yourself to Him helps to be a buoy to you during times of deep hurt, trial and tragedy. I am thankful for years of knowing God, and having a well to draw from in regard to faith available during this past year. I was rustier than I’d care to admit, and wish I hadn’t been, but God is very sweet and provided for me using scripture, verses, and lessons that I had not thought of in years. God knew when I was a young teenager attending Heritage Baptist Church’s youth group (for example) that this event was in my future, and He used some of those lessons, stored up for so many years, to help minister to my heart.

Normal May Not Seem Normal Once Luke was out of danger, and we were just working toward him reaching certain goals and thresholds necessary for his discharge, a new fear came into view. I would be caring for him at home (according to the hospital with home health coming and available to do bandage changes), keeping him fed, well rested, medications in order, and continuing to do necessary movements and exercises for his healing. In addition, I would be back to caring for and feeding both of our kids. It may sound strange to be afraid of being alone in your own home with your family after this type of experience (because even I would admit that it would be amazing to be together as a family again!) but it was daunting. The day-to-day had been so different, and I hadn’t really been alone with my own children for so long, that the concept of having so many aspects of life once again dependent on me was terrifying. It will sound strange, but Luke and I have agreed that while the hospital stay had it’s own set of challenges and was excruciating for Luke, it was when we were back in our home that I started struggling the most. It’s hard to even put the “why” into words, beyond that I felt like I had just been burned out by being gone so long. Taking on the normal responsibilities of life again, on top of the additional care for Luke in our home, started to make me mentally collapse. If you have a friend going through this stage, check in with them (don’t expect a response right away!). Let them know that while you are excited that they are able to enter this stage to move forward, you are praying for them… it is a massive adjustment.

Look Back Afterward I am speaking to myself especially today, and I know that there are a lot of people, in our Nation especially, who are still in the middle of their life-altering event (so this may be hard to process). You need to see how far you have come since it happened. When you process tragedy in a healthy way, you grow, and that growth can eclipse where you were before (and the path you were set on) in such a short period of time you would be amazed.

You are not Your Traumatic Experience It is so important to know, especially in situations where the event was forced on you by someone else’s choices or acts (you were attacked, someone else stole, imposed upon, or harmed your loved one[s]): this singular event in your life does not define you. It does not define your family. Learn from it, use it to grow, but it is not the exclusive reason you exist as you are. You are more than a victim or a survivor of what you have been through: you are God’s creation whom He wants to have reconciled to Him, so that you spend eternity in Heaven with Him. Today has had me looking over the past year, and beyond. So many other things; funny, wonderful, and life-changing, things have happened so many other years on this day. There is a place for remembrance, but don’t let that make you forget the rest.

Thank you to you all for your support of our family, most especially starting that day last year until now.
Thank you for not leaving us alone, and for making the effort to communicate and talk with us, even when I’m sure there were times you couldn’t possibly imagine what to say, just so that we didn’t feel left on the sidelines.
Thank you for the miles upon miles, and hours upon hours of driving you all put in to visit and care for us.
Thank you for dropping everything to pray for us, and weep with us.
Thank you for providing services, materials, time, and more, to ensure that when Luke came home, it was to an environment that was safe and healthy for his still sensitive and delicate condition.
Thank you for cheering him on as he made progress, and celebrated milestones.
Thank you for expressing love to our children when we couldn’t do so in person ourselves.
Thank you for caring for our family members who were hurting for us, while taking care of our children, and needed you just as much as Luke and I did.

While I know that we could have gotten through it all with God and no one else, I will forever be grateful for the many incredible people that allowed God to use them in our lives in big and small ways. To be honest, during those intense months last year there was really no ‘small way’ we were cared for, it was all big to us.
I am glad that we didn’t have to walk without the visible support of family, friends, and church (both local and global).

 

“So the sisters sent to him, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was. Then after this he said to the disciples, “Let us go to Judea again.”

After saying these things, he said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him.”

Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that he meant taking rest in sleep. Then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus has died, and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”

Now when Jesus came, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb four days.

So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, but Mary remained seated in the house. Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

When she had said this, she went and called her sister Mary, saying in private, “The Teacher is here and is calling for you.”

Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?” Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.””
‭‭John‬ ‭11:3-7, 11, 13-15, 17, 20-23, 28, 32-44‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/jhn.11.3-7,11,13-15,17,20-23,28,32-44.esv

 

“As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him. We must work the works of him who sent me while it is day; night is coming, when no one can work. As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.””
‭‭John‬ ‭9:1-5‬ ‭ESV‬‬
https://www.bible.com/59/jhn.9.1-5.esv